It’s a lazy Sunday morning with ESPN blaring on the TV as the NFL playoffs resume this afternoon.  My wife just left for a run and I noticed a sense of sadness arise as the grieving process ensues pertaining to the dissolution of our bond.  No more kisses goodbye or “I love you” upon parting, and it’s a fleeting moment followed by a sense of relief from what has been a burdensome relationship for both of us for some time.  It was only just in the last couple weeks that I fully resigned myself to the prospect of separation and divorce, and so while I had been letting go for many months prior, only now is it becoming a reality.

I also find myself grieving the job loss as my ego continues to re-hash events culiminating in my termination just a few days ago.  I want to second-guess my actions and admonish myself.  I want to villify my employer for misconstruing my intentions.  And then I return to the wondrous present moment and am reminded I have only now, which is all I ever need.  I feel as though this crossroads in my life is something of a “spiritual final exam” wherein I get to see how well I practice the principles I’ve learned over the last decade:

  • Everything comes to me, through me, for me.
  • In blaming, complaining, criticizing and making excuses opportunity presents for self-awareness and growth.
  • When standing with one leg in the past and the other in the future I’m pissing on the now.
  • Gratitude is power.

And so I ponder another possible “career change” in life and after hearing on the news of Iranian hostages rescued from Somalian pirates by U.S. intervention, I consider “pirate” as a job title that would make for engaging conversation at social events.  There’s a huge underground market for prescription pain killers, but I’ll leave that to unscrupulous medical professionals to dispense irresponsibly to an increasingly disenfranchised populace.  Adult film has an alluring component, yet I’m not sure if I could perform professionally in such a manner, or if I’d want to make sex my job, no matter how lucrative it may be.  If I’m going to practice “voluntary simplicity” it would seem more reasonable to pursue paths that are legal, ethical and moral.

And as I dig out and dust off the old journal entitled “Daily Log Y2K” I stand corrected that my first entry was in fact January 8th, 2000, the date of the last playoff appearance for the Buffalo Bills in their infamous “Homerun Throwback” loss to the Tennessee Titans (I still believe in watching the replay it was an illegal forward pass).  In any event, here I am with the structures I’ve erected around me disintegrating as I prepare for a new stage in life, a new consciousness, my Second Coming.  I’m grateful that I’ve returned to writing, which has been a tremendous outlet for me over the years and in sharing with others the opportunity to speak to their hearts in a rendering of life experiences.

There’s something so raw and cathartic about feeling exposed, vulnerable and alone in the cold of this Universe.  An identity crisis is not for the faint of heart as the old falls away and fertilizes the soil for new growth.  Yet, we are connected to every form we encounter, animate and inanimate, as a life force permeates across space and time in a manner the rational mind cannot grasp.  I embrace solitude and am finding a good deal more of it available lately.  My life had become cluttered and consumed with holding it all together.  In so doing my behavior became increasingly neurotic as I neglected my soul while foolishly grappling with the world of form.  Security can never be had in any physical form and must be cultivated within one’s relationship to the Great Mystery.  Tomorrow is never a guarantee regardless of who you know or how diverse your investments or where you live and what you do.

I did manage to make it down to Occupy Buffalo for my first General Assembly and I was quite delighted by the turnout and participation as the sun shone radiantly upon those gathered in Niagara Square.  The GA was called to session right about Noon beginning with an “open mic” of sorts where anyone who feels so inclined can share their truth for 3 minutes.  I was encouraged by a couple folks to speak and so I added my name to the list.  When it was my turn I spoke of feeling attracted to the movement when I first read of it in September and have mostly been on the sidelines reading mainstream media and social media accounts.  I went on to give them each props for their commitment to a “cause” and challenged them to clarify for me “What is Occupy Buffalo for?” rather than what are they against.  I shared that I too get angry when I consider crooks obtaining lavish bonuses from my hard-earned taxes, but that the efficacy for any long-term “change” would hinge on keeping the focus on building the new, rather than opposing the old.  After I stepped down an elderly gentleman approached me with a compliment on my oration and offered me an initiative to explore in an amendment to overturn Citizens United.

Not certain what I will do with the remainder of this blessed day that I’ve been gifted.  I may engage in mindless entertainment in the form of playoff football in concert with some friends and family.  I could use something of a diversion for the moment as I continue to take in the scenery in this new territory I’ve entered.  It would be nice to get laid as it’s been a year now since I’ve had the pleasure with another, and I’m real curious about the sensation with my stuff so nice and smooth.  All in good time I reckon.  As I gaze out the window snowflakes flutter in something of a vain attempt at portraying winter during this most unseasonable pattern we’ve enjoyed.  I think I may take a nap, or perhaps meditate, or both.