The tea kettle approaches a boil and the furnace churns out precious heat whilst sitting at the kitchen table of the beach house, truly a home away from home.  The neighbor immediately behind us is the grandson of baseball Hall-of-Famer Christy Mathewson.  It is a small world after all.  The roar of the lake in the distance greeted me upon exiting my truck portending of sunny days of summer splendor ahead.  I am blessed amidst the most peculiar period of transition and transformation, a “shift” as it were.  It’s been 12 years since the Daily Log Y2K, twelve the number symbolizing completion, and here I am once again blogging away for the first time in years.

Yesterday I spent the better portion of the day holed up in a heated garage aptly dubbed “The Manitorium” replete with a 110” projection screen TV, various bar adornments and cast off sofas, loveseats and armchairs for viewing comfort.  I enjoyed the boisterous company of my sister, brother and brother-in-law, among others from what is known as “The Compound”, friends who double as tenants.  The Dirty Birds of Atlanta took a thumping from the G-men of Jersey and for the second game of the day Tim Tebow lead the Broncos to an inspiring Mile High OT victory over the heavily favored visitors lead by Big Ben and his Steelers.  It was a game spun as “good vs. evil” providing an epic hero/ villain saga on the gridiron.  In my view nobody is purely good or evil as we all behold opposing pairs of opposite traits in this dualistic reality.  I would encourage the womanizing Big Ben to sit down over coffee with Delilah for a couple hours and the wholesome Tebow to date Lindsay Lohan, that oughta balance out the antagonist and protagonist.

A warming cup of Rooibos “Earthy vanilla south African healer” satisfies following a hearty veggie burrito bowl for dinner.  I managed to repo the engagement ring yesterday before departing for playoff football.  There was also further discussion of the imminent split, specifically how to divvy up proceeds from sale of the house and items contained therein.  We had some tentative agreements reached until mention of outstanding credit card debt, to which there was some dispute resulting in mention of the “L” word.  You know how interrogators hate it when the perp lawyers up and I could feel their pain in the moment, so I tabled discussions concluding with a hug and kiss goodbye.  Nothing is final until a divorce document is signed by both parties, but one thing is for sure my heart is not in the relationship and I don’t know that anything will change to restore its interest.

Earlier today I had the pleasure of partaking in a luncheon with a gathering of men ranging in age from 30 to 70 years-old hosted by my good friend Matt.  The opportunity arose for me in light of my recent termination and so I was able to join others who are underemployed, self-employed or retired.  We snacked on venison jerky, cheese, chips and crackers before the main entrée, split pea soup, was served.  It was the first time I enjoyed it spiced with cinnamon and cloves, a not unpleasant added tang to the traditional recipe.  The ensuing conversation delved into politics, sexuality, health challenges and earth changes amid a time of seeming evolutionary punctuation.  At one point Matt had dropped a full glass of homemade Concord grape juice resulting in a streak of purple right up the window to the ceiling, a scene that could have served as a crime scene re-enactment for blood spatter analysis.  I had been explaining details of my recent job loss as the disruption occurred and following some mopping up with Oxyclean we resumed the discussion.

The glaring consensus among the 6 souls in attendance is that life poses opportunities, disguised as challenges, for learning who we are and what we fear.  It may show up in our career, relationships, bodies or finances and as I reflect it is showing up in all major areas at once for me presently, thus confirming the chaos and upheaval within.  I lost my job, my marriage hangs in the balance, money is depleted and my shoulder remains in pain following a return to the gym for the first time in a week.  I backed off the weight some and upped my reps with limited success.  My life is currently FUBAR as they say, yet is a blessing in disguise no doubt as I continue the ascension process with this next great adventure upon me.

I just returned from a walk along the shores of Lake Erie including a meander into the woods of Wendt Beach Park.  I aspired to catch a glimpse of the full moon rising; however, the clear blue skies of the daylight hours have since given way to clouds.  Nonetheless, it was an invigorating walk and if not for the calendar proving the current date I’d swear it to be spring.  Though the waves rolled up well onto shore there was barely a breeze making the hat and gloves I’d brought nearly extraneous.  Upon the bluff a stately oak clung to the eroding bank exposing a full third or more of its root mass, a reminder of how fleeting this life can be, and at the same time a symbol of strength in its quest for growth skyward.

I’ve noticed that I’m much warmer toward others of late, despite the present circumstances of collapsing forms around me.  In the gym today I offered a big smile to a heavy set girl who I would have otherwise ignored.  Upon leaving Matt’s house I crossed paths with an elder woman navigating the sidewalks with the use of a walker and offered her a friendly greeting as well.  It is evidence of the shift taking place within me as I embrace my disowned parts I become whole and the reflection in others increasingly loving.  If only I had some of that for my wife and perhaps with the space I’ve manifested to take better care of myself I may see improvement, although resentments linger and at best I am diplomatic in her presence.

A second cup of Earthy vanilla healing is on order, piping hot from the kettle.  I filed for unemployment benefits before heading out to my present destination.  In crunching numbers for a monthly cashflow budget I estimate there is enough to pay bills including mortgage, car notes, utilities and only the minimum payment due on multiple credit cards where the pattern had been to pay the balance in full after each billing cycle.  Financial struggles have been a theme throughout my marriage and I’m reminded that what we resist persists.  Feelings must be allowed to be felt rather than denied, or repressed, or numbed with inebriants.  In not accepting our feelings we perpetuate the circumstances to further exacerbate them.  As I continue to surrender to this moment I feel energy surge through my system and concentrate in my cranial area.  I felt an immense surge as I strolled along the dark sandy shoreline.  We are not separate from one another as we would be lead to believe.  We are one.

My country,' tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing; land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrims' pride, from every mountainside let freedom ring! 
My native country, thee, land of the noble free, thy name I love; I love thy rocks and rills, thy woods and templed hills; my heart with rapture thrills, like that above. 
Let music swell the breeze, and ring from all the trees sweet freedom's song; let mortal tongues awake; let all that breathe partake; let rocks their silence break, the sound prolong. 
Our fathers' God, to thee, author of liberty, to thee we sing; long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light; protect us by thy might, great God, our King.

In common wealth,

SjK

Advertisements