I made it down to say good night to my mistress for the first time since I can remember, despite contending with symptoms of a cold, mainly a scratchy throat.  After capturing a few photos of the yellow dwarf setting over the lake with clear skies overhead I returned to the house to draw a bath, but not before bringing in the pepper plants from the front porch under threat of frost.  I’m looking to down some herbal tea and get to bed early tonight rejuvenating before the big birthday bash tomorrow night at my brother’s.  The Yankees are 3 outs way from closing out the Orioles in a best of 5 American League Divisional series and I’m utterly exhausted.

It was a productive afternoon despite depletion of precious energy having met up with Diana to review some more items as we prepare the long journey of producing a business plan.  We determined that the most important next step in the process is researching whether there is in fact a sufficient organic waste stream in the City of Buffalo to support the Buffalo Hydrogen vision.  She suggested that we tap people we know with access to such elusive data, including my brother who works for Ecology & Environment, a company in charge of a Sustainability Plan for WNY chartered by Governor Cuomo.  I’ll be taking this up in conversation with him tomorrow at dinner before the guests arrive to celebrate.

Following the meeting I made my way out to the suburbs to mow the lawn for Nancy who is busy traveling to build her health product distribution empire, and then on over to my folks’ house to plant 3 junipers completing the landscape along the perimeter of the deck.   I had a little time to kill before a scheduled meeting with my ex-wife at the bank and visited with my mother.  We chatted about the gazebo- whether to demo or attempt to salvage it- over fresh-baked peanut butter cookies.  I lobbied for fixing the gazebo up rather than taking on the larger task of dismantling it and then filling the empty space with a new structure, or a rock garden.  Whatever the jury decides the verdict will wait until spring.

I had failed to anticipate the traffic for the time of day departing the house later than necessary and a sense of helplessness swept over me knowing I’d be late to the bank.  Upon arrival pulling into a spot she marched up to the truck quickly stating she didn’t have her ID and thus could only co-sign the check in the parking lot.  As I wrote her a personal check for half the refund amount I asked how she’d been doing, and she returned the favor asking me the same question.  Then with a half embrace we parted ways, a fragment of what had once been an intimate bond.  As I drove home pondering what had been and what is now sadness came over me.  I realized why people who break up are often bitter, if not hostile toward one another, as they do not want to experience the loss of something special. Rather than grieve, we may project our pain onto the other.  As I hold no resentment toward my ex my only option is to own it and feel the pain.  I really cared deeply for her and am reminded of the words from the young, pretty bartender last week, “Women love quicker, men love deeper.”

I find myself run down in large part due to a sleep deficit having routinely stayed up to midnight in recent days, including last night as I hosted impromptu guests crashing overnight.  Shawn is recently separated from his wife of 20 years and Darren is a few years divorced from a marriage of nearly the same span of time.  I’d extended the invitation to Shawn earlier in the week in light of his recent troubles, and had reached out to Darren via the social network after connecting at the spiritual gathering a couple of weeks ago.  We ended up migrating to Hamburg for dinner leveraging a gift card Shawn had for Ruby Tuesday, ironically a place I had only eaten at once before with my ex several years ago.  We were treated like royalty and the food was decent, crab cakes with sweet potato fries and mashed cauliflower for Shawn and I as Darren noshed on a rib-eye steak.  We picked up the tab in exchange for Darren driving.

We didn’t return home until after sunset wandering on down to the water to walk off the meal.  It was unusually calm and comfortable temps inspired us to start of fire as I headed back up to the house to load up a busted picnic table and hauled it back down with the quad.  By the time I returned Darren and Shawn had a fire lit so I simply stoked it with cut up pieces of the table.  As we sat around the blaze soaking in the moment Shawn remarked how quintessentially modern male it is for 3 guys to be hanging out, each of them on their phones interacting with the outside world.  He was going back and forth with a cousin via text while Darren and I uploaded images to the social network resulting in a flurry of comments.  A hot fire burned fast the roaring flames collapsing into a pile of coals and we spread them around before heading back up to the house.

We enjoyed a nightcap and some munchies as a mutual friend called following up regarding a job opportunity he’d mentioned several weeks ago.  I put him on speaker phone as he rambled about his tomato sauce, the opportunity and also how Saturn moving into Scorpio should spell some relief for those of the Libra sun sign, myself and Shawn included.  It had been hanging out there for the last 3 years impacting Librans in an adverse fashion we’re told.  Being on the cusp of Scorpio I’m left wondering if it means I’ll be subject to a follow-up period of tribulation, although I’m cautious to give my power away to the stars and planets, and yet we are connected and influenced by everything.  However, as steel sharpens steel I’m sharper than ever and grateful for a most challenging phase of my path wherever it may lead from here.

The next morning we sat around the kitchen table enjoying coffee and Darren shared with us more of his background, what lead to his demise at a good-paying job and a marriage yielding children, followed up by his emerging mission to restore the Great Law to the Seneca Nation of which he is born.  He is fighting an uphill battle as corruption in their government mirrors that of the United States, and globally for that matter.  He stated his interest for gathering folks to “walk with me”, making it clear he is not seeking followers, just like-minded people to fulfill his mission.  Later in the conversation he took a phone call from a friend, a medicine man in their circle, seeking advice on his predicament with a cold he’s been battling for weeks.  I could blame him for my symptoms, but I know better to take responsibility for making myself susceptible.  As I drafted an email to members of my exercise class I overheard him mention several medicinal herbs, many of which he’d tried without any success to alleviate the condition.  When he had spoken earlier of his path he talked about how much he had abused himself, and I wondered if he could still see how he’s abusing himself, despite a lifestyle change.

So here I am on a Friday night completely drained and in dire need of a good night’s sleep.  I’m reminded of a good friend and teacher’s words on the importance of purpose.  If we do not choose a purpose we will live into one, most commonly a purpose that leads to self-destructive behavior.  As I reflect upon my life and see the pattern of people-pleasing, that has been a purpose I’ve lived into.  It is born of low self-esteem, seeking approval from another to fill what we think is missing inside of us.  In so doing we diminish our vitality as the life force flickers.  In expanding my capacity to love myself, so am I able to hold greater love for my neighbor.  I reclaim power as a creator and shift my intention toward a purpose focusing on service, giving and receiving value in balance with other creators.    My life comes to me, through me and for me. Nya:weh!

In common wealth,