The heaviness in my heart persists and I suppose it may be considered an episode of depression at this point.  I’m not one prone to prolonged periods of sadness as I am more inclined to get caught looking ahead, resulting in anxiety, than I am in looking back over my shoulder.  Either way, when we have one foot in the past or future, we’re pissing on the now.  I’m discovering the “other side” living here at the beach, as the days grow shorter in this autumn season long gone are the warm sunny fun days surrounded by loved ones.  And so the contrast compounds the matter.  The more we are infatuated with someone or something the more we eventually will resent it to balance.

After coffee and pancakes for breakfast I headed over to assist a friend with some landscaping at his mother’s home in Orchard Park.  He had a load of boulders delivered yesterday, but they’re much too heavy to move across the property without power equipment.  So we focused on replacing some plants we’d installed in the spring that didn’t survive the drought this summer.  The nursery honored the 50% warranty for spirea, ninebark and azalea, as we swapped out for hydrangea and rhododendron.  He said his mom is finally ready to let go of the house she’s lived in for over 30 years and I referred them to my realtor and business partner Ben.

I have plans to meet up with Nancy for a birthday dinner, although I’m not much in the spirit of celebration.  Overcast skies and showers reflect my inner reality.  Tomorrow I’m going to the Bill’s game compliments of my brother as a birthday gift.  I need another good night’s sleep to erase a sleep deficit incurred over the last week.  I actually feel quite indifferent about life, a state of neutrality, like it really doesn’t matter where I go from here.  While that may sound a bit negative, ultimately it is a very liberating frame of reference.  It opens one truly to unlimited possibilities, proceeding without attachment into the terrifying, exhilarating adventures of the unknown.

In common wealth,

SjK

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