Where do I go from here?  This seems to be the prevailing question at a metaphysical crossroads, armed with the depth of knowledge which can harden the most caring of hearts, and at the same time serving as a catalyst not to take one single moment for granted in this precious life.  Just when I thought I’d reinvented myself I find further deconstruction under way as the map once again becomes obsolete when compared to the terrain.  While I confess a lingering melancholy this winter, by no means am I throwing in the towel.  On the contrary, I have yanked my head out of the sand quickly turning my attention toward Truth and Beauty, the only magnetic compass point of value in the Universe.  I am right where I need to be no matter how uncomfortably polarizing it feels.  Fortunately, among the many powerful souls with whom I share this journey, I arranged for a much needed calibration of my chakras earlier this afternoon.  And even as I remain immersed in a most raw and vulnerable condition, kundalini flow has notably improved.  Among diagnostics a male energy impeding my throat chakra and “pin holes” in the solar plexus.  I’m also told a likely connective tissue tear in my right knee, same one that laid me up for a week almost 2 years ago.  The lower back pain which has cycled on and off over the last several weeks has waned, for now.

Last night I enjoyed a long overdue visit with friends taking the meandering and undulating drive from the lake shore to ski country in northern Cattaraugus County.  I’ve known Mark & Courtney for over a decade now and actually served as a chauffeur on their wedding night having borrowed my uncle’s 1957 Chevy to deliver them from the wedding ceremony to the reception as my gift in celebration of their union.  They have since started a family with a son, Henry and a daughter Nola, with another in the womb, residing upon a lovely homestead nestled in 29 acres of wooded hillside several miles south of the quaint and historic village of Ellicottville, a favorite destination for weekend warriors with a special affinity for powder and craft brews.  We indulged in a fine meal washed down with rounds of pints at the hot spot in town, EBC.  We were later joined by another friend, a former co-worker who is still employed at the college from which I was terminated now over 2 years ago.  It was a pleasant reprieve breaking up some of the monotony of a rather isolated existence out here by the frozen shores of Lake Erie.

There’s much requiring attention in my endeavors from a planned trip to the north country in coming weeks to retrieve the first batch of fruit and nut trees for the proposed orchard out at the farm, to my vested interests in a web platform uniting the entrepreneurial world from Australia to Canada and all nations in between.  Things remain tenuous and precarious at the day job as the slump continues without a hire in Q1 and the boss turning up the pressure to produce.  I’m not especially inspired in this expanded awareness to source talent for software companies, not unlike moving chess pieces around the board as competition for top-performing candidates escalates in a bull market.  At some point it will go the other direction as artificially inflated commodities and interest rates are manipulated resulting in inevitable market dips, if not crashes, and the ensuing contraction in job growth.  So for now I still have a job, though there is virtually no security and such is the nature of employment in the digital age.

I’ve heard it’s always darkest before the dawn and so perhaps that is a useful metaphor for my current disposition, or a snake molting another skin, and maybe even a caterpillar preparing to bust out of its pupal stage.  I know that this too shall pass and as I browse the web “What is depression?” I’m reminded of the myriad forms and prevalence in which it can manifest.  Even our 16th President Abraham Lincoln suffered from clinical depression, or melancholia, which makes you wonder if he had an intuition about his fate?  Based on an an overview and index of the symptoms I can rule out with confidence bi-polar, major depressive, psychotic and postpartum; however, dysthymic disorder with a sprinkle of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) seems applicable.  I have no doubt feeling the dirt and sand between my toes will lift my spirits with spring just around the bend.  It also helpful to gaze skyward into the vast expanse of the cosmos and remember we’re each made from the dust of the stars.

In common wealth,


It’s my own design
It’s my own remorse
Help me to decide
Help me make the most